THE TRANSFORMATION CONTINUES

PART THREE: ONWARD AND UPWARD

Because we lost Trinity for unexplained reasons, we were to see the OB as soon as I got pregnant again. So after the initial excitement settled down and the distracting fear crisis passed, I came to my senses and made an appointment. They were able to squeeze me in within a week or so, and the day has finally arrived. Our doctor is excited to see us, and ushers us into a special room. An ultrasound tech with the more detailed internal machine happens to be in the office today. Lucky me.

I climb onto the exam table. My husband and my doctor are on my left. The ultrasound tech is on my right. The tiny crowded room is darkened so that the screen is easier to read. She checks the position of the amniotic sac in relation to the cervix. Good placement. She checks other things which make no sense to me, but apparently look good. Satisfied that everything is great, I stop paying attention as we are chatting, until my doctor says, “Is that what I think it is?” My full attention is recaptured instantly and Richard and I quickly request clarification. The ultrasound tech seems pleased to report that it is what my doctor thinks it is, and she answers our concerned question with, “There are two.” Two what? Babies. Twins! My doctor, in a drawn out awww-you-shouldn’t-have kind of way, exclaims, “You guys”. Richard sheds a few tears. I burst into laughter. It is an insanely wonderful moment. We are stunned and elated, dizzy and numb, wide-eyed and grinning stupidly. The rest of the appointment is a blur. We cannot wait to start calling everyone.

Before it became reality, we had joked about twins, some people had prayed for us to have twins, and we had talked about how twins would be an amazing epilogue to our story. One time in particular, Richard and I were having a discussion. He was upset about something, which temporarily blinded him to the many blessings in our lives. I have the terrible tendency to try to cheer him up instead of simply empathizing. I can see that now, but at the time, I thought I should remind him of some of the good things that had been happening. He’d been enjoying one of the best financial years in his career to-date. I had been given two raises. I also had the opportunity to be a guest designer on two episodes of an HGTV show. I was feeling very blessed and hopeful about the future. But for him, it was easy to rationalize all of it as random. He questioned, “How do you know God really had a hand in any of those things?” He retorted that if we had twins, that would undeniably be God’s doing. Twins do not run in our immediate families, and we had never been on fertility treatments. I prayed silently and sadly, “God, you heard him.”

Surely, now that I really am having twins, Richard will acknowledge that God’s fingerprints are all over this double blessing. To my disappointment, he kind of brushes it off, though. I quietly decide that he’s going to have to work out his trust issues with the Big Man himself. I guess it will take a little longer for him to resolve his anger about losing Trinity, and that’s certainly valid. I will have to lovingly persist in prayer.

But for now, the party gets a hurricane force second wind as we call every family member and friend we can. We are on our cell phones for many hours over several days and tears of joy are flowing all over the country. We have no idea how we are going to take care of two babies at the same time, but we are too excited to care. We are more than ready for our happily ever after.

EPILOGUE:

Trinity’s death was a little over six years ago. The twins, Trevor and Jasper, were born were almost five years ago. Making it through a twin pregnancy, Bell’s Palsy, twin births via C-section, nursing, diapers, the whole first year, asthma in Jasper, the terrible two’s, the more terrible three’s, moving from San Francisco to the front range of Colorado, etc. has required way more of me than there is. I have become intimately acquainted with my frailty and weakness. I have come to depend on God’s strength to get me through each day, but I have only scratched the surface. Some days I’m good at tapping into His strength, and I’m going strong well past my bedtime, always to my amazement. Many other days I fall to my knees at my bedside, feeling like a failure, and wondering why God gave me these precious little boys when I’m so ill equipped to take care of them. He has permanently fixed my dependence on Him by blessing me with twins. And He has secured my humility through parenting. He is my absolute life source.

I don’t know how people make it through life without God. I don't know how I used to get by on my halfhearted attempts at right living. I just didn’t get it. Losing Trinity was a catalyst for an intense spiritual growth spurt, and I can say now that I would not change the past if I could. I respect God’s will, and accept that it sometimes contains events we would never willingly choose. Thankfully, we can depend on God to carry us through those events.

We are in the midst of one of those events now with the loss of my husband’s job almost a year ago. Part of the reason we came to Colorado was so that I could stay home with the boys, and our one income has been whittled dramatically to what unemployment pays. And that is scheduled to run out in the near future. Thankfully Richard has been nurturing his faith the past few years, and is taking the blows much better than he would have in the past. He’s had to endure crushing disappointment, as the excitement of each interview so far has been murdered by rejection. It’s a buyer’s job market, and the seller’s market is saturated. I think this situation will result in an intense spiritual growth spurt for him, as every bit of control has been ripped from his hands. He has no choice but to lead our family by faith.

And I am faced with the opportunity to deepen the impact of the lessons I thought I’d learned. Richard’s job loss has been harder on our marriage than losing Trinity. We have tried to be creative with our time and money, but too often the tension bursts our seams. We worry that the stress is impacting the boys. I affirm my trust in God all the time, yet I’ve had some disconcerting episodes of heart palpitations. I breathe deep and remind myself that God’s in charge.

Other days, I love this roller coaster, when I seem to have X-ray vision to see straight through the disguises that the blessings are cloaked in. On these days I am overwhelmed with gratitude for the time we have together as a family, for the opportunity we’ve had to serve and visit other family – the elderly, the pregnant, the moving. I don’t know how this blog would’ve been written if Richard had not been available to pick up the slack, lots of it, while I’ve been at the library writing. 

As we approach the year anniversary of Richard’s job loss, and no viable job is in sight, we are strongly considering storing our belongings and ditching our rental in order to travel the country visiting family and friends this summer. He can continue to job hunt as we go, and we can abort mission at any moment if the right job presents itself. But we are buffeted by uncertainty, fear, and anxiety. It’s an all out battle, but we refuse to make decisions based on fear. Though unemployment extends all the way to the horizon before us, we know it won’t last forever, and this may also be a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.

Some days we are a train wreck, other days we are the happy-go-lucky local (a swinging song about a train by Duke Ellington). We’ll find out where our tracks lead if we just keep going, letting God fuel our engines, trusting Him for an on time arrival to the destination of His choice, that will be made known to us at precisely the right time. Along the way, I remind myself of the milestones we’ve already passed, while keeping an eye out for more.

Milestone 1: He has never abandoned us, and He never will. 

Milestone 2: Sometimes the answer to our prayers will be “No”, and when it is, there is a very good reason.

Milestone 3: Trust Him. He knows what He is doing.

Milestone 4: Surrender everything to Him for ultimate freedom.

Milestone 5: Heaven is real, and we must remember that our entire Earthly existence is but a breath of time. Stay eternity-minded in order to keep troubles in proper perspective.

Milestone 6: Worship is healing and renewing. Take time to summit our mountain of worries each week, so that all we can see is a breathtaking view of God’s creation.

Milestone 7: Consider Easter from God-the-Father’s point of view. Take comfort and be amazed. 

Milestone 8: Keep our eyes on our own path. Other people have what we want – homes to settle in. But what lies in front of us is freedom – no jobs, no mortgage, no pets, young kids without summer commitments. What are we going to do with our freedom?

Milestone 9: Since we cannot create our own faith, we must choose faith and let God manifest it for us.

Milestone 10: We must turn our backs on fear, and focus on praising and thanking God for the freedom and countless other blessings we have right now.

Yes, it’s all much easier said than done. Perhaps that’s why we are given so many opportunities to practice. It’s another chance to throw up our hands in a gesture of trust and enjoy the ride.

To stop and look back over the last six years, I can see that I’ve been transformed markedly. If I could sum it all up, it all comes down to moment by moment dependence on God. Trusting Him and taking comfort in the fact that He’s in charge, not me. That’s where I am at this moment. One day at a time. One task at a time. One moment at a time. I’ve heard for years the importance of being mentally present where you physically are. And I am finally beginning to get it as I become too overwhelmed when I think beyond the present. I am forced to live in the now. It’s uncomfortable, but I know I will be happier when this becomes my mode of operation, and so will my family. My husband and children deserve no less than all of me when I am with them. I need to stop conserving my energy for the next task or the rest of the day. I hate it when I reach the end of the day, and the only thing I can say is, “Whew! I made it.” I need to trust that God will provide all I need for each task as I go along concentrating on one thing at a time. And while I’m living one moment at time, I can try to maintain the upper perspective that time is not static. No situation will last, good or bad. So I should savor the good moments every second they last, and take comfort that the bad ones will move along, too, even if they seem to be sitting on us.

“Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is--his good, pleasing and perfect will.” Romans 12:2

And as we go forward, one unsure step at a time, into the uncomfortable unknown, the transformation continues...

A THANK YOU NOTE FROM THE AUTHOR:

First of all, I thank God for giving me this assignment, and for giving me the words each week to complete it. I have never wanted to be a writer, and it amuses me how God calls the unqualified to a particular task so that the message shines, not the messenger.

I also thank my husband, Richard for being so helpful with watching the boys, housework, meals, and such, so that I could spend hours at the library writing. On that note, I should thank God for Richard’s unemployment. He would not have been able to contribute so much time if he’d been working, and I don’t know how this blog would have been written otherwise. God truly does orchestrate events in unexpected and amazing ways.

Richard and I thank each of you who were with us during the time that we lost Trinity, during the twin pregnancy and after they were born, and as we forge ahead through job loss. We are beyond blessed to have so many wonderful people in our lives. Thank you immensely for your love, support, and generosity which has taken so many forms over the years. 

Finally, I want to personally thank each of you who have read, shared, commented, “liked”, and supported The Trinity Transformation in any way. I was very compelled to share the things I’ve learned that have changed my life in the hopes that whatever darkness may be clouding someone’s perspective would be transformed into brilliant hope and peace. It was terribly frightening to put myself out there like that and to be very vulnerable to countless people in the world, but I have been so blessed by much wonderful feedback. I know this was a divine assignment, and I’m excited to see what else God may have in store. As I head to the Colorado Christian Writer’s Conference May 16-19, please remember me in your prayers. I will be seeking the next phase of The Trinity Transformation – perhaps publication, perhaps a continuation of the blog with weekly inspiration, whatever God’s perfect will is. I’m not sure at this point. One thing at a time. 

Many thanks and many blessings,

Stacy Wons