PART THREE: ONWARD
AND UPWARD
Because we lost Trinity for unexplained reasons, we were
to see the OB as soon as I got pregnant again. So after the initial excitement
settled down and the distracting fear crisis passed, I came to my senses and
made an appointment. They were able to squeeze me in within a week or so, and
the day has finally arrived. Our doctor is excited to see us, and ushers us
into a special room. An ultrasound tech with the more detailed internal machine
happens to be in the office today. Lucky me.
I climb onto the exam table. My husband and my doctor are
on my left. The ultrasound tech is on my right. The tiny crowded room is darkened
so that the screen is easier to read. She checks the position of the amniotic
sac in relation to the cervix. Good placement. She checks other things which
make no sense to me, but apparently look good. Satisfied that everything is
great, I stop paying attention as we are chatting, until my doctor says, “Is
that what I think it is?” My full attention is recaptured instantly and Richard
and I quickly request clarification. The ultrasound tech seems pleased to
report that it is what my doctor thinks it is, and she answers our concerned
question with, “There are two.” Two what? Babies. Twins! My doctor, in a drawn
out awww-you-shouldn’t-have kind of way, exclaims, “You guys”. Richard sheds a
few tears. I burst into laughter. It is an insanely wonderful moment. We are
stunned and elated, dizzy and numb, wide-eyed and grinning stupidly. The rest
of the appointment is a blur. We cannot wait to start calling everyone.
Before it became reality, we had joked about twins, some
people had prayed for us to have twins, and we had talked about how twins would
be an amazing epilogue to our story. One time in particular, Richard and I were
having a discussion. He was upset about something, which temporarily blinded him to the
many blessings in our lives. I have the terrible tendency to try to cheer him up instead of simply empathizing. I can see that now, but at the time, I thought I should remind him of some of the good things that had been happening. He’d been enjoying
one of the best financial years in his career to-date. I had been given two raises. I
also had the opportunity to be a guest designer on two episodes of an HGTV
show. I was feeling very blessed and hopeful about the future. But for him, it was easy to rationalize all of
it as random. He questioned, “How do you know God really had a hand in any of
those things?” He retorted that if we had twins, that would undeniably be God’s
doing. Twins do not run in our immediate families, and we had never been on
fertility treatments. I prayed silently and sadly, “God, you heard him.”
Surely, now that I really am having twins, Richard will
acknowledge that God’s fingerprints are all over this double blessing. To my
disappointment, he kind of brushes it off, though. I quietly decide that he’s
going to have to work out his trust issues with the Big Man himself. I guess it will take a little longer for him to resolve
his anger about losing Trinity, and that’s certainly valid. I will have to
lovingly persist in prayer.
But for now, the party gets a hurricane force second wind as we call every
family member and friend we can. We are on our cell phones for many hours over several days and tears
of joy are flowing all over the country. We have no idea how we are going to
take care of two babies at the same time, but we are too excited to care. We
are more than ready for our happily ever after.
EPILOGUE:
Trinity’s death was a little over six years ago. The twins, Trevor
and Jasper, were born were almost five years ago. Making it through a twin
pregnancy, Bell’s Palsy, twin births via C-section, nursing, diapers, the whole
first year, asthma in Jasper, the terrible two’s, the more terrible three’s, moving
from San Francisco to the front range of Colorado, etc. has required way more
of me than there is. I have become intimately acquainted with my frailty and
weakness. I have come to depend on God’s strength to get me through each day,
but I have only scratched the surface. Some days I’m good at tapping into His strength, and I’m going
strong well past my bedtime, always to my amazement. Many other days I fall to my knees at my bedside,
feeling like a failure, and wondering why God gave me these precious little
boys when I’m so ill equipped to take care of them. He has permanently fixed my
dependence on Him by blessing me with twins. And He has secured my humility
through parenting. He is my absolute life source.
I don’t know how people make it through life without God.
I don't know how I used to get by on my halfhearted attempts at right living. I just didn’t get it. Losing Trinity was a catalyst for an intense spiritual growth spurt,
and I can say now that I would not change the past if I could. I respect God’s
will, and accept that it sometimes contains events we would never willingly
choose. Thankfully, we can depend on God to carry us through those events.
We are in the midst of one of those events now with the
loss of my husband’s job almost a year ago. Part of the reason we came to
Colorado was so that I could stay home with the boys, and our one income has
been whittled dramatically to what unemployment pays. And that is scheduled to
run out in the near future. Thankfully Richard has been nurturing his faith the
past few years, and is taking the blows much better than he would have in the
past. He’s had to endure crushing disappointment, as the excitement of each
interview so far has been murdered by rejection. It’s a buyer’s job market, and
the seller’s market is saturated. I think this situation will result in an intense
spiritual growth spurt for him, as every bit of control has been ripped from
his hands. He has no choice but to lead our family by faith.
And I am faced with the opportunity to deepen the impact
of the lessons I thought I’d learned. Richard’s job loss has been harder on our
marriage than losing Trinity. We have tried to be creative with our time and
money, but too often the tension bursts our seams. We worry that the stress is
impacting the boys. I affirm my trust in God all the time, yet I’ve had some
disconcerting episodes of heart palpitations. I breathe deep and remind myself
that God’s in charge.
Other days, I love this roller coaster, when I seem to
have X-ray vision to see straight through the disguises that the blessings are
cloaked in. On these days I am overwhelmed with gratitude for the time we have
together as a family, for the opportunity we’ve had to serve and visit other
family – the elderly, the pregnant, the moving. I don’t know how this blog
would’ve been written if Richard had not been available to pick up the slack,
lots of it, while I’ve been at the library writing.
As we approach the year anniversary of Richard’s job
loss, and no viable job is in sight, we are strongly considering storing our
belongings and ditching our rental in order to travel the country visiting
family and friends this summer. He can continue to job hunt as we go, and we
can abort mission at any moment if the right job presents itself. But we are
buffeted by uncertainty, fear, and anxiety. It’s an all out battle, but we
refuse to make decisions based on fear. Though unemployment extends all the way
to the horizon before us, we know it won’t last forever, and this may also be a
once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.
Some days we are a train wreck, other days we
are the happy-go-lucky local (a swinging song about a train by Duke Ellington).
We’ll find out where our tracks lead if we just keep going, letting God fuel
our engines, trusting Him for an on time arrival to the destination of His
choice, that will be made known to us at precisely the right time. Along the
way, I remind myself of the milestones we’ve already passed, while keeping an
eye out for more.
Milestone 1: He has never abandoned us, and He never will.
Milestone 2: Sometimes the answer to our prayers will be “No”,
and when it is, there is a very good reason.
Milestone 3: Trust Him. He knows what He is doing.
Milestone 4: Surrender everything to Him for ultimate
freedom.
Milestone 5: Heaven is real, and we must remember that our
entire Earthly existence is but a breath of time. Stay eternity-minded in order
to keep troubles in proper perspective.
Milestone 6: Worship is healing and renewing. Take time to
summit our mountain of worries each week, so that all we can see is a
breathtaking view of God’s creation.
Milestone 7: Consider Easter from God-the-Father’s point of view.
Take comfort and be amazed.
Milestone 8: Keep our eyes on our own path. Other people have
what we want – homes to settle in. But what lies in front of us is freedom – no
jobs, no mortgage, no pets, young kids without summer commitments. What are we
going to do with our freedom?
Milestone 9: Since we cannot create our own faith, we must
choose faith and let God manifest it for us.
Milestone 10: We must turn our backs on fear, and focus on
praising and thanking God for the freedom and countless other blessings we have right now.
Yes, it’s all much easier said
than done. Perhaps that’s why we are given so many opportunities to practice.
It’s another chance to throw up our hands in a gesture of trust and enjoy the
ride.
To stop and look back over the last six years, I can see
that I’ve been transformed markedly. If I could sum it all up, it all comes
down to moment by moment dependence on God. Trusting Him and taking comfort in
the fact that He’s in charge, not me. That’s where I am at this moment. One day
at a time. One task at a time. One moment at a time. I’ve heard for years the
importance of being mentally present where you physically are. And I am finally
beginning to get it as I become too overwhelmed when I think beyond the
present. I am forced to live in the now. It’s uncomfortable, but I know I will
be happier when this becomes my mode of operation, and so will my family. My
husband and children deserve no less than all of me when I am with them. I need
to stop conserving my energy for the next task or the rest of the day. I hate
it when I reach the end of the day, and the only thing I can say is, “Whew! I
made it.” I need to trust that God will provide all I need for each task as I
go along concentrating on one thing at a time. And while I’m living one moment
at time, I can try to maintain the upper perspective that time is not static.
No situation will last, good or bad. So I should savor the good moments every second they last, and take comfort that the bad ones will move along,
too, even if they seem to be sitting on us.
“Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world,
but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test
and approve what God's will is--his good, pleasing and perfect will.” Romans
12:2
And as we go forward, one unsure step at a time, into the
uncomfortable unknown, the transformation continues...
A THANK YOU NOTE
FROM THE AUTHOR:
First of all, I thank God for giving me this assignment,
and for giving me the words each week to complete it. I have never wanted to be
a writer, and it amuses me how God calls the unqualified to a particular task
so that the message shines, not the messenger.
I also thank my husband, Richard for being so helpful
with watching the boys, housework, meals, and such, so that I could spend hours
at the library writing. On that note, I should thank God for Richard’s
unemployment. He would not have been able to contribute so much time if he’d
been working, and I don’t know how this blog would have been written otherwise.
God truly does orchestrate events in unexpected and amazing ways.
Richard and I thank each of you who were with us during the time that we lost Trinity, during the twin pregnancy and after they were born, and as we forge ahead through job loss. We are beyond blessed to have so many wonderful people in our lives. Thank you immensely for your love, support, and generosity which has taken so many forms over the years.
Finally, I want to personally thank each of you who have
read, shared, commented, “liked”, and supported The Trinity Transformation in
any way. I was very compelled to share the things I’ve learned that have changed
my life in the hopes that whatever darkness may be clouding someone’s
perspective would be transformed into brilliant hope and peace. It was terribly
frightening to put myself out there like that and to be very vulnerable to
countless people in the world, but I have been so blessed by much wonderful
feedback. I know this was a divine assignment, and I’m excited to see what else
God may have in store. As I head to the Colorado Christian Writer’s Conference
May 16-19, please remember me in your prayers. I will be seeking the next phase
of The Trinity Transformation – perhaps publication, perhaps a continuation of
the blog with weekly inspiration, whatever God’s perfect will is. I’m not sure
at this point. One thing at a time.
Many thanks and many blessings,
Stacy Wons
